Are We There Yet? On the Road with Max and Maddy

A cross-country junket might not be the best choice for those attempting their first road trip with kiddies in tow, but with a bit of preparation, a road trip can be an exciting, educational, and fun adventure for you and your family. Though hitting the road with two children under the age of ten in the back seat may not exactly evoke the image of Jack Kerouac wending his way through the heartland, or of Thelma and Louise careening through the desert in a red convertible, one mustn't overlook the undeniable pleasure of greeting each day in a brand-new location, with no dishes to wash.

Traveling light is important, so that there's no luggage under your feet in the car and less to carry when you arrive; but one must take into consideration certain essentials. If your four-year-old will be despondent without her scruffy little sock monkey, then you mustn't leave it on the kitchen counter, or think that this would be the ideal time to accidentally throw the sock monkey into the trash. Let your little one pack a small—very small—backpack or duffel full of small toys or action figures that will help her get through the day. Nothing is worse than a four-year-old in the back seat with the D.T.'s because she is going through stuffed-bunny withdrawal.

Spending the night before the trip packing the bags with the youngsters not only adds excitement to the anticipation of travel, but also should work in your favor the next day, especially if you keep them up hours past their usual bedtime, folding the clothes "just so." Sleepy travelers are often the best travelers, as once they get past the initial cranky phase, they will often provide you with hours of blessed silence. It is surprising how long a child will sleep in a moving vehicle, and if the weather is warm and the conversation monotonous enough, they will often drop off rather quickly.

It will be tempting to stop for chow, to use the roadside vernacular, at a familiar-looking chain restaurant. You’re far from home and you think the children might feel more comfortable, or you’re under some misguided impression these places are "cleaner," or the food "safer." Snap out of it. You’re on the road. Choose adventure! Find a truck stop, one that displays a sign out front exclaiming KIDS WITH GAS EAT FREE! or a similarly charming sentiment. These establishments usually have a "trucker" section, which is as fascinating to the adults as it is to the children. Beefy, red-faced men in plaid Pendletons sit in their own roped-off VIP area, before plates of hash browns and bacon cheeseburgers, ribbing the waitresses in a familiar manner. The waitresses, many of whom sport unusually large hairdos, will either look at you with beady-eyed suspicion or call you "Hon." Or both! Do not expect to find any organic field greens in your house salad; in fact, do not expect to find a house salad at all. Enjoy a BLT. With fries. You are on vacation, for heaven's sake.  

The cashier's station usually carries everything from miniature big rigs to WD-40. This is where you purchase an inexpensive trinket for your child, perhaps a small tanker truck or a souvenir postcard.If your children are used to living in a major metropolitan area, it will be an eye-opening introduction to the Rest of the Country, a country with which they may be quite unfamiliar, a place that can easily be found only a few hours outside of any major city.

If your child is the kind of traveler who insists he needs to pee every twenty minutes while on the road, forcing you to stop yet again at some godforsaken gas station or diner, understand that he is only engaging in a simple power struggle. He is strapped in a car seat, or a seat belt. He believes that he's uncomfortable. He has no control over the vehicle or the radio. The initial excitement of the open road has rapidly faded. He wants out. His instinct tells him that you would be less than pleased over the prospect of driving for three more hours with the scent of a urine-soaked car seat, so he tells you he has to pee now! If this begins to happen every fifteen to twenty minutes, simply pull the car over to the side of the road. Regale your child with stories of how when you were a child, roadside gas stations and coffee shops were few and far between, and peeing by the roadside was a rite of passage. Make the stop as uncomfortable as possible, perhaps in an unshaded stand of cactus, or by an abandoned and derelict roadhouse. When your child realizes that penny candy and sanitary toilet-seat covers are no longer within whining distance, a strong bladder will develop, and with it, a more enjoyable road trip for everyone.  

Bon voyage!