A lot has been said and written about postpartum depression. And although researchers believe that depression is one of the most common complications during and after pregnancy, it looks like no one knows exactly what causes it. It seems to stem from a drastic change in hormone levels, but a lot of intangible factors come into play. It’s kind of like gingivitis; no one knows exactly what the heck it is, but we know we don’t want to get it. Mostly we hear about the extremes of depression - either the whisper of despair known as “baby blues” or the “drown your kids” postpartum psychosis. But let me tell you from personal experience, there’s a whole world of in-between -- and none of it’s pretty.
Like most women, I had heard of baby blues but wasn’t terribly worried about it -- mainly because it sounds like a cute disorder, one you could just hug away in a day or two. It even has a sweet name that could be an adorable baby outfit or a beautiful eye color description. In fact, I’d even secretly looked forward to it. Who couldn’t use a day of ice cream and Nora Ephron movies?
Little did I know, the baby blues is not cute -- unless you consider alternating between crying and carb-loading for days on end “cute.”
Most women envision their post birth experience being the most beautiful time of their life. I’ve yet to meet anyone whose actual experience lived up to their expectations; and this build-up can lead to a fall.
I imagined that I’d be all glowing and mellow during the weeks after delivering my baby. I thought it was within my grasp, seeing as how incredibly serene I felt through most of my pregnancy. This had to be due to pregnancy hormones. Nine weeks into my pregnancy the morning sickness was gone and I was feeling fine -- better than fine. Luckily, the same pregnancy hormones that cause you to feel crappy in the beginning can actually make you feel good once your body gets adjusted to them. I felt calm. If you didn’t know me, you might mistakenly think I was into meditation or something. One friend said, “Wow, you’re really doing great considering the fact that you’re life is about to change so drastically. I get nervous when I try a new shade of toenail polish.”
I smiled smugly, “I guess I’m just good with change.” I was actually under the hormonal delusion that I had an easygoing personality.
Interestingly, not one of my Earth Mother fantasies had me home from the hospital a week after giving birth, more bloated than a professional bowler, with dark circles under my eyes and sobbing nonstop all day long on the couch. Yet that would be the more accurate picture.
After you give birth, no matter how excited you were and still are, your body goes through hormonal changes where your levels drop from the highest they’ve ever been to completely off the charts.
For me, once those hormones took a nose dive so did my mental health. I’ve never felt as bad as the days following the “happiest day of my life.” After the initial awe of having a child, came the overwhelming realization that her life was in my hands. All day long I was petrified that something was wrong with my baby. I’d stare at her while she slept peacefully, willing her to wake up so I’d know she was okay. Positive that she wasn’t breathing properly, I counted her breaths using a stopwatch, and convinced myself that her complexion looked bluish.
I figured my husband was about two crying jags away from leaving me to find a new mother for his baby; someone thin, cute, dry eyed and maybe, oh, eight years younger than me.
My husband attempted to reassure me, but he didn’t know what to do. He tried telling me that what I was feeling was probably just caused by hormones and was completely normal. Of course, in my mind, this was akin to him saying “Isn’t your period just about due?” and I didn’t respond well. He even offered to take the baby into another room overnight and be responsible for all the feedings so that I could get some much needed sleep. I know, I know, most new mothers would happily give up Splenda for a year in exchange for one decent night of sleep, but I accused my husband of wanting to be away from me.
Finally, he begged me to please tell my obstetrician what was going on.
To Be Continued…
© 2006, Stefanie Wilder-Taylor
from Sippy Cups Are Not for Chardonnay: and Other Things I Had to Learn as a New Mom, Simon Spotlight Entertainment, 2006