Hi, It is comforting to find this forum.  I know we all share the same pains.I read the posts on the first trimester when  I found out I was pregnant end of April. It was an accident, but such a GREAT accident. Everything was going well. I started spotting last week on Wednesday.I had no pain, and it was just minimal spotting. I should have been 7 weeks. I went to doc, and the U/S showed a embryo, heart beating, cervix was "closed up tight" My NP told me, "everything is great, I cannot tell you it's 100% guarantee, but I rarely lose a baby once I have seen the heartbeat." The spotting continued and turned into fresher blood and AWFUL cramps Wednesday evening. Thursday cramping and spotting continued. I called the NP and she scheduled me for an appt Friday afternoon. I woke up Friday and did not feel pregnant any more. My breasts were soft and not sore. I Went into work, I started having pain SO bad I could not walk or talk. I just was sobbing from the pain, from not knowing what is going on. I ran out the door, and do not even remember the drive home. I was in the MOST PAIN I HAVE EVER HAD IN MY LIFE. I had to breath through it.. I look back and now realize it was contractions of my cervix. I layed in bed, waiting for my boyfriend to get home to take me to the ER. The pain let up. I passed everything at home. Spent the day in the ER. Today is the one week mark. I am crushed still. I think about it everyday. It consumes me some times. I want to just SCREAM OUT.. I LOST A BABY LAST WEEK! It's not a topic friends/co-workers find as a good conversation. I feel no one understands the pain I have. I am continuing my life as normal as possible. I went back to work, I am doing things with friends, but it's hard to lose that "empty" feeling. I am thankful that my boyfriend is the BEST SUPPORT IN THE WORLD. HE worries about me, he lets me talk about it, he holds me when I cry. I feel he is the only person on earth who "understands" My prayers go out to all those ladies who should be celebrating mothers day this weekend!

Joydancer23,

my heart goes out to you for the pain you are going through.  I too, remember all too well the time I went through this.  I was 16 weeks.  We had just told everyone the week before.  It isn't easy.  There are REAL hurting emotions in this and it's hard to find anyone that truly understands or will even acknowledge how deep the pain really is.  They can't imagine.  They can't understand.  I remember that it would hurt even more if someone told me to just think happy thoughts and things would get better in time.  It made me feel guilty for feeling the way I did.  Even though they're right, in that time will make it easier, you will never forget.  And 'happy thoughts' never make it better or ease the pain.  It just is what it is.  It's not easy and no one can make it that way. 

I'm so sorry that this happened to you.  There are reasons that this happens that only God knows, but it still hurts.  Your loss is great.  It's okay to cry.  Be angry.  Be sad.  Allow yourself to scream if you need to scream.  I remember taking a drive out into the country and parking on the side of the road in my car and just letting it out.  Time will help you move on but you'll never lose the memory or the fear that it will happen again.   

You will get through this.  We're always here to "listen".  Many of us understand. 

I am so sorry for your loss. I m/c at the end of February and I am still dealing with the pain. Though it has gotten a little easier, it still hurts. I feel this is one of the worst pains a woman can go through. Not only is it physical pain, it is emotional pain. I still have that empty feeling. But with a good support system we can all get through it. I completely understand what you are going through. My ex roommate is pregnant and she is 6 weeks ahead of where I would have been. I am trying my best to be excited for her, but it is very hard and I feel bad because I feel like I'm being selfish...Mother's Day was the worst! Anyway, they say things will get easier and hopefully all of us who have experienced this pain will get there. You are in my prayers.

I went to my follow up today. I realized i do not like the NP very much anymore. I have very selfish feelings lately! I am sorry to hear of your loss. How do you feel about trying to conceive again? Was this your first?

I understand about the room mate thing. The young girl I work with is nearing the end of her pregnancy, and she just started taking pre-natal vitamins. She said she could not afford them, yet she smokes and drinks mountain dew and large iced coffees from McDonalds all day long. I do not understand why I could be so careful with my dietary intake, and i quit smoking asap, yet still lost mine!? I know time heals.

We plan to try again around end of summer. I am planning to go into it with new thoughts, and a fresh perspective! My very best friend of 16 years had a HEALTHY baby boy March 28th, and that was after two m/c in a row. There is hope. Spending lots of time with the new baby has really helped me alot.

Stay positive, and thanks for sharing with me!

Mike's Girl:

Joydancer23,

my heart goes out to you for the pain you are going through.  I too, remember all too well the time I went through this.  I was 16 weeks.  We had just told everyone the week before.  It isn't easy.  There are REAL hurting emotions in this and it's hard to find anyone that truly understands or will even acknowledge how deep the pain really is.  They can't imagine.  They can't understand.  I remember that it would hurt even more if someone told me to just think happy thoughts and things would get better in time.  It made me feel guilty for feeling the way I did.  Even though they're right, in that time will make it easier, you will never forget.  And 'happy thoughts' never make it better or ease the pain.  It just is what it is.  It's not easy and no one can make it that way. 

I'm so sorry that this happened to you.  There are reasons that this happens that only God knows, but it still hurts.  Your loss is great.  It's okay to cry.  Be angry.  Be sad.  Allow yourself to scream if you need to scream.  I remember taking a drive out into the country and parking on the side of the road in my car and just letting it out.  Time will help you move on but you'll never lose the memory or the fear that it will happen again.   

You will get through this.  We're always here to "listen".  Many of us understand. 

Thanks for the reply! I am sorry for your loss. 16 weeks, I cannot imagine. I am sorry! I agree with you, if one more person tells me "it will get better" or "it just wasn't meant to be" I will puke! :) The truth is, as hormones go away and stabilize it does get better to deal with. How about you? Was this your first? Do you have other children? Will you try again?

Have a good day, and thanks for "listening"

Gotta love those hormones.  At least things are starting to settle down for you.  Hopefully it will keep on that path.  I know that even afterwards I really struggled some days.  Hormones or not, it's just hard to deal with sometimes.  Especially when you see people who don't appreciate what they do have or don't even know the value of it such as your coworker who is pregnant.  It seems oddly unfair but I truly believe everything happens for a reason. 

This was my first m/c.  I had two children (a beautiful baby girl and a baby boy) and then had a massive surgery to remove "precancerous tumors" which, thankfully turned out to be nothing.  In the process of doing this surgery they needed to remove my left ovary and tube.  I then had my m/c which was determined to be partially due to the surgery and scar tissue build up on my uterus.  Shortly after my m/c they discovered several other serious complications including severe endo.  Another surgery ensued where they removed as much of the issues as possible.  They had to remove a part of my right ovary as well. 

I feel very blessed with my two children and many people believe that I should just simply be satisfied where I'm at.  I've always dreamed since I was a child of having a large family.  My children's father and I divorced several years ago and I am now remarried to a wonderful man who does not have children.  We're actually high school sweethearts who lost touch with each other for 16 years before reconnecting after my divorce.  It's been his dream to have a family of his own.  I would love nothing more than to be able to give that to him.  He'll be a great father some day.  Even my children have dreams of more brothers and sisters.  When I married my DH they asked where the baby was because they just thought that's how it happened.  Since the second surgery above, I have had 3 other surgeries, the most recent being in October.  I'm not even sure I can have children at this point.  I'm 32 and with all of these issues...who knows. 

I get responses from people who just shrug me off because I want to be pregnant just as badly as I did the first time (maybe even more so) and they think that it's not as important because I already have two.  I don't feel I should have to give up my dream of a large loving family because I already have two and other people don't think it's important.  It's just as important!  And it's even more frustrating because I'm having problems doing it now. 

Anyway, I'll get off my soap box now.  We all have dreams and we all deserve to have them come true.  Thank you for your encouragement.

This would have been my first child. I found out I was pregnant the week that we decided to try, so I guess you could say it happened by accident. So we plan on trying again starting this month. I'm very scared though. I don't want to go through anything like this again and I know I will be worried the entire time. Hopefully things will go well the next time though. I have been trying to get more healthy before we conceive I'm still taking my vitamins and I'm going to quite smoking again soon, hopefully Friday.

I can understand not liking the NP anymore also. I got so tired of going to have my hormone levels checked that I stopped going. She wanted to monitor them until they went down to 0. I figured 2 was enough. It is upsetting to read about your co-worker. My room mate talks about wanting to drink and smoke but thankfully, she doesn't. I just feel like its not fair because she didn't want to have a baby, but I'm going through this.

 I have a cousin who had 3 or more m/c before she had a baby boy in June 06, and now she may be pregnant again. So I know it can happen. We just have to have faith. Thanks for understanding.