Hi, I used to be a member of this board before it got it's facelift. I don't know if anyone on here would remember me or not, I kinda left when the website changed. I was ttc and finally got pregnant with my baby girl in august/sept of 2006. I gave birth to her May 10th, 2007. Her name is cadence and she is beautiful! Here is a picture of her:

Sorry so big. Anyhow, she is growing beautifully. Me and my husband wanted two children close together and one last child later when we got that baby itch again. So we began trying nturally. I was exclusively nursing, no bottles or paci's or anything. I hadn't had a period yet and my brothers gf told me she tested and was positive. They were going to wait till after a doc appt to tell anyone else. This was about september 2007. I thought hey it would be funny if I was pregnant too, so I took one of my many left over tests and sure enough it was positive! We were ecstatic! We wanted them close but didn't think it would happen this close. She wasn't sure how far along she was since she was on the pill and had a light period the month before and I didn't know how far along I was since I had no period to go off of. She decided to go with my doc and we set up our appointment together. Had our ultrasounds and sure enough we were due the same day! This was so very xciting to us all. May 3rd was the due date. We went throughout the appointments together, same days and such. We are a very close family, we all do family dinners at least one a week. We all get together at Bill Millers. Now this is a big family, I have 4 brothers and 1 sis. We are all grown pretty much so everyone has their significant others too. Along with kids and our aunt/uncle and their kids and friends. We take up at least 4-5 tables out to eat lol. Anyhow, she had her baby April 26th, a week before our due date. I was in a sort of stalled labor for days before I finally decided to have doc break my waters. I had contractions around the clock anywhere for 3-15 minutes apart, never regular. So I was tired and wanted baby out already. She broke my water and I went from being 4cm dilated before to 8cm within half an hour. Needless to say baby came fast! She was born May 3rd. We named her Zoe and she was beautiful too! See, Cadence looks like daddy, Zoe looks like mommy! Heres a picture:

 We couldn't wait to get home from the hospital so Cadence could play on the floor at home with her toys and I could relax with Zoe and such. We got home and everything just seemed normal and natural. Sure Cadence fussed alot for mommy, but daddy helped with her since I was nursing and such. I held Zoe not as often as I wanted to. I only really got to hold her to nurse her and cuddle her if she was fussy. Other than that she went in her bassinet or swing while I cuddles Cadence. I didn't want Cadence to get neglected and begin to not like the new baby. That picture up there is one of the only pictures I have of Zoe. We were real busy so we didn't get a chance to take pictures. I took that picture May 9th. May 10th we woke up and Justin had to go get his car tinted. We were also going to go do something for Cadence for her birthday when he got back. I was real tired so I had him take Cadence with him so I could catch a nap before our busy day. He left and I planned on nursing Zoe then lying her in the bassinet by the couch as usual and hae my nap. I was nursing her and dozed off. I woke up with myhusbands call. He was calling to let me know prices and such. I answered and looked at Zoe. She wasn't breathing. I panicked and told him what was wrong and to come home then hung up and called 911. They walked me through cpr and sent an ambulance. They got there and tried to get her to breath. They opened the window to get more light in since my living room just has one light not bright enough to fully light the whole room. After they saw her full color in better light they said she was gone and there was nothing they could do. I think I screamed in my fathers arms forever. My husband had called and asked him to come over and see what was going on. We cried and cried. Slowly my family showed up. Some were at work, some at their own places, some running errands. My aunt who gave birth to a stillbirth came also. She took pictures of Zoe while she was lying there for me. She said I would want them later. We stayed at my fathers from then until the funeral. The day of the funeral cps called us and we met up with them. They had to do an investigation given the way she died. My mother had to be with Cadence at all times. We couldn't stay at my fathers for another reason. So we were forced to go home and face everything. My mother lived with us for about a week or two. They finally called and said the case was closed and it was just routine to make sure Cadence is ok. At first everything was like a bad dream. I kept telling myself I would wake up and eerything would be ok, I'd still be pregnant and such. I never woke up. I am beginning to realise its all real now, but I still find myself trying to tell myself it's just a long dream. Me and my husband haen't been able to cry much, so now that things are becoming more real we are having moments where we just burst into tears. I feel so angry now. Angry that my daughter isn't here with me. I feel like telling every mother I see out there and every pregnant woman to cherish every moment they have with their child. I feel so horrible for falling asleep. I am angry at the wayshe passed. Accidental asphyxiation. She suffocated. Thats got to be the worst way to die! She depended on me, her mother. And I'm the one and only person that let her down. Well thats my story. We decided to leave our family plans the way we planned. We had our two babies close, so now we will wait a few years to try again. I want to have another baby right away, but I know I want to enjoy the pregnancy and right now I'm mourning. We are moving in wth my brother and his g/f. They are signing on a house this week. I'm 22 and already buried a child of mine. This hurts so bad, but I don't know. I'm staying strong for Cadence. If she weren't here I'd be a mess.

Wow, I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine the pain you have been through. It really would be like a bad dream. I know my miscarriage was hard enough, I can't imagine what happened to you. I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but God has a plan for your family and he cares about you and the pain you're going through. Try to lean on him and know that your angel is with him and he's taking care of her for you. God wants to comfort you and heal your heart. I will be praying for you and your family.

Taylor. 

Just take things one day at a time, and stay strong for your little girl.

I'm so sorry for your loss...

I'm so sorry for your loss I really couldn't imagine. I hope with time your wounds heal and you have another beautiful child one day. If you ever need anyone to talk to I'm here even though I'm not sure how much help I would be. Keep your head up and mourn as long as you feel necessary not what others think you need.

Beth

    Your girls are absoluely beautiful! I am so sorry for your loss! That is every parents nightmare! I will be praying for all of you! I know right now you dont want to hear this but Heaven just gained another angel and I bet she is watching after her sister every day! God bless you guys! 

I am so shocked, you were telling such a wonderful story about your little girls, and then all the sudden I was reading such a horrible awful thing. I can't Imagine how your hearts must be aching. I wish I had something to say to you that would comfort you. I will say a prayer for your little angel and you and your family. I'm glad that you have a big and wonderful family. You said something that really struck me, You wrote "She depended on me, her mother. And I'm the one and only person that let her down". That is such an dark statement. I hate to hear you blame yourself. So I ask you to please reach out to someone, that kind of blam could ruin you.  I hope that maybe you can open up to someone here and really talk about this. The support systems I've witnessed reading and participating in the forums here is just so great. If you want to talk to someone privatley please let me know. Sometimes its easier to talk to a complete stranger, I'm sure that is part of the reason you felt comfort in sharing this with us to begin with. I'm sure you know by browsing the site that they offer a private chat, if you feel like it might help to confide in someone, let me know when you will be on, and I will be here. If not here you really need to talk to someone about your guilt, the sooner the better. My heart truly goes out to you.  I will keep you in my prayers. Your first borns name, Cadence. That is what attracted me to your story. I don't hear that name very often and I just love it. I have a 4 and a half year old with the same beautiful name, spelt Kayedance. The pictures of your girls are very precious. 

Brandy, 28- New Baltimore, Mi

I am so, so sorry for the loss of your Zoe.  Your daughters are absolutely beautiful. 

Please make sure you and your husband take the time to grieve together.  If you try to hold it in it will only eat you up worse inside.  I do understand the need for you to be strong for Cadence.....and she may be the one reason you will get through this eventually.  I cannot even begin to imagine what it is like to go through an experience like this, but I did recently loose a baby at 22weeks pregnant.....it is the worst thing I have ever gone through.....but I thank god for my son because my need to be there for him has helped so much. 

And please find someone to talk to.  Whether you go by yourself or with dh.  Try your local hospital.....I was able to get in touch with a grief counselor who deals specifically with mother/child losses & they also have group meetings.   Your doctor should be able to give you some contacts.

 I wish you and your family peace.

Let me start of by saying you are sooo strong. Sharing your nightmare, and the pain that you and your family have endured. I see your strength in your words. You may not feel that way right now.  This could have happened to any mother. You did nothing wrong. You did what you had to. You acted fast, called 911, and delivered CPR. You did not fail your child. You are a good mother. You loved her and will love her until your last breath. And i am sure that the images of that day will be burned in your recollection. You need to cry, scream BE angry. Hit bottom, because there is only one place to go from there. And that's up. With time you will heal and be closer as a family because of this. You story has really touched me. Blessings to you and your family.God is with you... -Angie

Wow, my heart aches for you and your family... I can't imagine going through that.  You are strong and wonderful mom, don't let this accident take that away from you. let your husband be there for you or whoever you need to lean on.  Cadence is very blessed to have parents like you. Please take time to greive.

We are trying for our last baby, and if it is a girl, we were going to name her Zoe Valerie, If  I have a girl, I will always remember your daughter in her honor. God bless you, God now has your little angel, she will be just fine, don't worry, you will see her again...

Dana Lu

I remember you!  I am so sorry for your loss.  I can't even begin to imagine!

I'm so sorry for your loss. That seems to be a common statement, but my mind cannot fathom the loss you have suffered and therefore cannot think of more appropriate words to say. I pray that you will rest in the comfort that God has bigger plans for your precious Zoe. I'm sure at this time it is hard to even believe there is a God. When something tragic happens we often question many things and one of those questions is almost always, "How can there be a loving God when I am going through this?". I do not have the answers for you. I have been following a blog for the past couple of weeks of a woman who also lost her daughter. I urge you to read the blog, from beginning to end. It will be hard. I cried, hysterically at times, while reading her blog. It dates back to January. Like another reader posted, there is a strong support system in forums and blogs and such. Especially when the circumstances are similar. This woman's experiences are not identical to yours, as none are, but life changing none the less. The website is http//audreycaroline.blogspot.com. If at any time you need to talk... feel free to email me. ddevering@aol.com.

Hello, I certainly do remember you. I have not been on this board in so long. You may remember me as well. My daugther was born May 30th 2007. Her name is Bria. I certainly remember you from the old board. I am completely devastated to hear of your loss. My heart truly breaks for you. I know that there are no words to say that can take your pain away. We went through a lot together with our first pregnancy through the board. If you need anything or ever want to just talk please feel free to contact me. I can give you my number and you can always call. Please again, if I can do anything to help you through this time, please let me know.

Diane