Things I hate about the Olympics:
* They pre-empt my normal August programming of America’s Next Top Model reruns
* Canada’s current medal count comes in at a whopping... wait for it, now ... zero. That’s zero with a zed, y’all!
* Women’s beach boringball... though I sort of like counting how many times the announcers can squeeze the name "Misty-May" into each sentence. (It’s like vocal masturbation for them)
* Lip-synching 6-year-olds
* The lack of international coverage. I could be wrong, but judging from the opening ceremonies, there may be more than just three or four countries competing
* The extremely serious but often-overlooked issue of barrette addiction in women’s gymnastics. I swear, they’re worse than cyclists and their steroids
* That China banned ethnic Tibetans from working in Beijing during the Games
* Those stupid mascots and their blown-out pupils. They look like Pokemons on acid
Things I love about the Olympics:
* Asking Dan questions like, "Why is the I.O.C. considering making bridge an Olympic sport?" and enjoying his futile, fumbling albeit sincere attempts to answer
* The male swimmers’ mesmerizing lack of body hair (If anybody has Michael Phelps’ waxer’s name, please pass it along)
* The brazen ease with which the announcers can prattle off names like Otylia Jęedrzejczak, Otryadyn Gündegmaa, Prapawadee Jaroenrattanatarakoon and Nurbakyt Tengizbayev as if they went to high school with them
* All the pretty horsies
* Watching the wonders of acromegaly and various other pituitary disorders in action everywhere from the pool to the basketball court
* Seeing the athletes’ pores in High Definition. Next time, they should consider giving out medals for the biggest blackheads
* Hot divers lounging out in the on-deck hot tub