Dylan starts school next week, but I have homework.

My assignment: To share Dylan's "general behavioral characteristics" so his teacher will better understand what makes him tick, and in some cases, explode.

I'm not sure if I should be brutally honest or consider this an exercise in creative writing.

The first one is easy-- Is your child very active, moderately active or inactive? I added some exclamation points after "very active" and was left wondering if there is such a thing as an inactive 5-year old.

Question 2:  What circumstances commonly cause conflict between parent and child? What is hilarious about this is that they give me two lines to write a response.  I mean, he's 5 for goodness sakes! I could fill the front and back with a 24-hour period -- beginning with addressing why ice cream is not appropriate for breakfast. We progress to putting on clothes, and if he has slept in his shirt from the day before (it happens a lot) sometimes he wants to wear it AGAIN particularly if it has gigantic stains on it from the day before. Don't even get me started on brushing teeth, which might as well be like pulling them. All of this before 8:00 a.m.! Let the fun begin!

I figure they don't want this level of detail, so I give a safe, far-reaching answer of, "When he doesn't get his way, or if he is asked to do something he doesn't want to do!" Yeah, that pretty much covers the bases. But perhaps that makes him sound really bratty, which he isn't. How honest do they want me to be anyway? I've already put down my registration fee, can they kick me out now?

Question 3: How is conflict handled? My safe answer-- I actually give myself some credit for using "creative cajoling" which I figure the teacher will appreciate. I also drop terms like "positive reinforcment" and "redirection." I do attempt these at times in my daily life. The answer that does not make the cut is that I consider locking MYSELF in permanent timeout with my computer, a good bottle of zinfandel (that would be of the red, NOT white variety), cheese, crackers and some chocolate. There are also times I dream of simply being in a quiet car, or one with music of my choice, and just taking a nice long drive. Final destination--nowhere. Not swimming lessons, not a play date, not a birthday party... just let me go MIA for a few hours. Needless to say, I self-edited that one, too.

Question 4:  How do you feel about your child coming to school? This one is easy. I truly am thrilled for Dylan to be back in school, he's a curious little guy who loves learning. However, I didn't add HOW MANY HOURS UNTIL THIS STARTS???